soulmates (part 5)

From the way that Kayla and Lucy fell into comfortable conversation as they walked to the field together, one would think that they had been friends for years. Despite the two’s friendly banter, the purpose of their meeting was not forgotten. Lucy and Kayla both had folders tucked under their arms, prepared to take notes on their observations of the stars. 

Kayla and Lucy walked side-by-side as they made their way to the center of the field so they could get a clearer view of the stars. Lucy’s heart skipped beats every time Kayla’s hand came close to brushing hers. 

Abruptly, Kayla stopped walking and laid down on the grass calmly, as if the ground was a mattress. Lucy had assumed that they would be sitting together but she decided to follow suit. Kayla turned towards Lucy and gave a smirk that possessed an inhuman amount of charm. “So, now that it’s just the two of us, do you have any secrets to tell? Do you have a secret bread club? Is your name Tom Cruise?” 

Lucy laid her head against the grass and stared up at the sky, her breathing slowly as her giggling subsided. The smile on her face faded a little as she answered in a serious tone. “No, my name is actually Lucy. My mom wanted to call me Lucy because Lucy Liu was the first Asian American actress she ever saw. It was a big deal for her because she hadn’t seen a single Asian actor or actress in Hollywood movies since she and my dad immigrated to America until she watched a movie with Lucy Liu.”

“Wait, that’s actually really sweet,” Kayla twisted her head so she could look at Lucy. Her eyes were soft with emotion, and Lucy turned her head so her eyes met Kayla’s. The corners of Kayla’s mouth lifted upwards as if she was aware that they were sharing a secret moment that nobody knew about. 

Lucy could tell that Kayla was registering the tension that was growing between them. But Lucy didn’t want to openly acknowledge it because she was terrified that if she spoke up about the unspoken thing between her and Kayla that it would break the momentum of the camaraderie between them. She couldn’t bear the thought of never talking to Kayla again.

The weight of the thought hanging in the quiet air was too much for Lucy to handle, so she cleared her throat and spoke. “Now, do you have any secrets you have to tell?” 

“Remember how I mentioned my dad works at a doctor’s office?” Kayla broke her gaze and stared back up at the sky. She tucked her hands behind her head, her eyes scanning the stars as if she was searching for something that she didn’t know she needed to look for.

Lucy raised her eyebrows, expressing her confusion. “Yeah, I do. You brought that up when I asked about the lollipop.”

“Well, you probably thought he’s a doctor or something like that. Actually, he’s the CEO of this big medical company. He has a lot of influence, too. He’s the only reason I’m not afraid to get into trouble. If the cops ever try to mess with me, my dad will just make whatever I did go away.” 

Dropping the back of her hand against her forehead, Lucy focused on trying to find the vague outlines of constellations that were hard to spot with the naked eye, instead of thinking about how calming Kayla’s voice was. “Wow, he seems really powerful.”
“I guess,” Kayla remarked, her voice balancing precariously on the edge of sounding outright unimpressed with her statement, “but even if he’s really powerful, he still sucks as a dad. That’s why I didn’t want us to go over to my place for the project. He would freak out if I brought a girl home.” 

“Why? Couldn’t I just explain that I’m working on a project with you?” 

Frowning, Kayla shook her head and pressed her lips together, rolling her bottom lip under her upper one. “Nope, he wouldn’t buy it. Ever since I told my parents that I have a thing for girls, they don’t trust me around any girls. Seriously, they even wouldn’t let me go to this summer retreat thing in the woods because they heard that I would be sleeping in a cabin with girls.” 

“Oh, uh, that sucks. I’m sorry,” Lucy stuttered, not sure what to say. She hoped that Kayla could understand that Lucy was sympathetic even though Lucy hadn’t clearly articulated her condolences. 

Kayla shrugged off, brushing off her clear frustration with her parents’ behavior, “It’s okay. It is what it is.”

For a brief moment, Lucy allowed herself to feel vulnerable before she looked away from the glittering stars that dotted the hazy night sky, which was brightly polluted with the city’s artificial lights, and met Kayla’s eyes again, hoping that Kayla could see the raw emotions Lucy was laying out for her to dissect. 

“Since we’re sharing deep secrets, I guess I should mention that,” Lucy pushed her hair out of her forehead with her hand nervously, “um, I’m a lesbian. Wow, it feels so weird to say that. I’m still not used to coming out to people, like, formally.” 

As the words left her lips, Lucy felt an enormous weight lift off the shoulder. Lucy hadn’t even realized that that secret had been dragging her down because she thought that mentioning she liked girls to Ana and a few other close friends had been enough to push some weight off of her shoulders. Saying that she is a lesbian felt much more different than offhandedly mentioning romantic interest in girls and Lucy hoped that Kayla understood that, in Kayla’s hands, Lucy was placing trust that she rarely ever gave to people.

“Oh, cool! Thank you for coming out to me. Listen, I…” Kayla’s eyes flitted back and forth as she searched Lucy’s eyes, searching for a specific emotion. Lucy was reminded of the expression that the eyes are the window to the soul, and she gulped, holding down the fear that screamed at her to look away and run so Kayla wouldn’t be able to find the strongest emotion Lucy had been hiding from Kayla. “This may be the best idea I ever had or the worst but I’m going to show you my soulmark.”
“Kayla, what? Wait, what are you- are you actually going to? Hold on.” Lucy propped herself up on her side with an elbow as she watched Kayla sit upright and start rolling up the bottom of her cuffed jeans. Lucy’s broken protests didn’t stop Kayla from revealing a small blue star, halfway between her ankle and her kneecap, on the front of her leg. 

Lucy’s lips parted and her eyes widened. The world seemed to stop spinning for a moment, and everything around her fell still as Lucy tried to process that she and Kayla were soulmates. Kayla noted Lucy’s astonishment and cautiously asked, “So, are we soulmates?”
“I don’t… I don’t have a tattoo. I don’t have a soulmate. I just… I don’t….” Lucy shook her head, trying to convince herself that she wasn’t being confronted by her soulmate. She knew that, at that moment, she had the opportunity of a lifetime that rarely anybody ever got. Some people died without ever finding their soulmates, yet her soulmate was right next to her. But Lucy couldn’t even bring herself to confront that fact, allowing fear to smother any joy she felt. 

Kayla unrolled her pants, obscuring her soulmark, and wrapped her arms around her knee. “You know what? That doesn’t matter. To be honest, I don’t care who my soulmate is. I’ll give up finding my real soulmate if it means I can be with you. You are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met and l-” 

“Kayla, don’t say it. Please, just don’t say it.” Pressing a hand to her forehead, Lucy squeezed her eyes shut and prayed that she was dreaming. She was caught in a war between the temptation of telling the truth and being able to finally love Kayla, and the fear of her parents completely abandoning her upon finding out that her soulmate is a girl.

“Why not? Don’t you feel the same? From the day we first met, I knew that you felt something there too. Am I reading this wrong?” Kayla drew back slightly, her eyebrows creasing with worry. Lucy wanted nothing more than to throw her arms around Kayla and reassure her thoroughly that she wasn’t wrong, but Lucy clamped down on her powerful urges. 

Lucy dragged her hand down from her forehead and pressed it against her cheek, sighing as she conceded, “No, you’re not reading this wrong. But I just… I just can’t do this.”
Loudly sighing, Kayla tiredly questioned, “Is this because of your parents? I talked with Ana and she told me about how the reason you haven’t asked me out is that your parents are super strict-” 

“Yes! This is about my parents, okay? I really want to date you and I really like you, but I just can’t.” Lucy’s voice was fraught with exasperation. While Kayla could tell that Lucy’s patience was starting to wear thin, she pressed on, seeming determined to get an answer before giving up. 

“Screw your parents! I mean, not literally of course because that would be gross, but metaphorically. They should love and support you regardless of who you like! That’s what parents are supposed to do! You don’t owe them anything. Anything.” 

Lucy slammed both of her hands down on the grass around her and stared Kayla in her beautiful eyes, hoping that her gaze was intense enough to intimidate Kayla into backing down. “No! That’s the whole point. I do owe them! I owe them everything. They immigrated to America so I could go to a good college and get a good job. I can’t let them down.” 

Kayla’s expression softened, desperate to find a compromise in which she could have Lucy and lowering her voice to seem more approachable. “You can do all that and still be with me. We can hide from your parents. You want this, I want this. We can even wait until we graduate high school and then run away together. We are meant to be together. It should be simple.”

Kayla was right. Lucy wanted nothing more than to drop her guard down and agree to run away with Kayla. She wouldn’t even care where they ran to together as long as she could be with Kayla. But Lucy knew that as long as she had expectations to fulfill, she was bound to a path that she wished she didn’t agree to choose.
“It should be simple, but it’s not. I can’t do this, I’m sorry,” Lucy apologized, as she picked up her folder and stood up, brushing the grass off of her jeans. She didn’t want to look at Kayla as she prepared to leave because she knew that seeing Kayla’s reaction would fuel her desire to give in; however, from the corner of her eye, Lucy saw Kayla’s hopeful expression crumble into one of disappointment. Kayla’s mouth was slightly open as if she was about to object but Kayla pressed her lips together. Staring at a spot on the grass next to Kayla, Lucy concluded. “Good talk. I’ll finish the project by myself and we can just wing the presentation. Bye.” 

As Lucy walked away, she half-expected Kayla to call her name and beg her to come back, so that they could at least stay friends if they couldn’t be involved romantically. But the call never came so Lucy walked away with her head held high, hoping that her false confidence would help her hold back her tears. 

Lucy successfully prevented herself from crying for about five minutes, but once she had left the grassy field, she began sobbing. She brought her hand up to her mouth to try to stifle the noises trying to escape from her lips and shut her eyes as tears rolled down her cheeks. Lucy wiped away the tears with the back of her hand and stopped in her tracks when she saw that while rubbing away her tears, she managed to accidentally rub off the concealer she applied to cover up her soulmark. This made Lucy even more upset and she picked up her walking pace, determined to keep moving forward. The only thing on her mind was leaving Kayla behind.