DISCLAIMER: Similar events did take place. However, this author makes no guarantee as to the accuracy of the depiction of events presented below. Some parts of this harrowing account may have been exaggerated for dramatic effect.
Reader discretion is advised.
About three big things happened today that I can actually remember, which is three more than I’m used to, so this might take a while.
The first one is that all the kids in the house decide to do a “Murder Mystery” game with all their stuffed animals (of which there are so many, the two dozen they chose to stick in a room and kill one another was actually only a fraction of their collection). I’m not sure if this is exactly the most widespread kind of game, but basically we just tell them a story with the stuffed animals, and they get to interact with it and do stuff, it’s kind of like a big D&D game without any of the statblocks. I do not have the best track record with GMing games like this. My first attempt crashed and burned after a couple of hours of Windows XP noises. My second attempt was called Keanupunk.2020, which should tell you all you need to know. But what I lack in competence I make up for in vaguely workable improv… and that’s how I ended up murdering half a dozen stuffed animals via hedgehog, and trapping the rest in an empty motel with no food or water, leaving fear and paranoia to take over.
I am a genius.
The bad thing about running games the way I run them is I end up starting a billion question lines (where did the first search party go? are they dead? what’s going on over at that gigantic tree? is there no police in Kansas? who murdered the party financier, the giant parrot? but why would the hedgehogs attempt to hotwire and steal a fleet of cars if they live underground? the answers to these questions are Beyond Belief) but in order to answer them I actually have to stop and think. I do not like to stop and think. I would prefer to kill off the entirety of the infirmary so none of them can say what they saw, out there, in the dark, but that’s neither here nor there. We do not finish Murder Mystery today. I will have some time to figure it out tomorrow.
The second thing that happens is that we run a Smash Ultimate tournament after lunch. Two tournaments, that is. Having actually learned how to play the game now, I have decided that King K. Rool and Ganondorf are my main characters, despite never playing either of their games before. King K. Rool has a big gun, and Ganondorf is a meme (only Link can defeat Ganon), so it’s kind of a no brainer. I defeat every version of Link in the game with Ganon, only to lose in the proper tournament to some loser called Ike. There are too many characters with big swords in Smash.
My nephews both like Ridley, whose name they affectionately pronounce as “Reyedley”. This is because, according to my younger nephew, “Ridley looks sick.” He is right. My niece likes all the princesses. I did not know there were that many princesses in SSBU. My brother wins the first tournament with Kirby. The Pikachu CPU beats up my nephews. The kids have so much fun they literally get out popcorn and eat it while the tournament goes on.
We run another tournament without the CPU. We have to rope my sister, who has never played a game of Smash Ultimate in her life, into it in order to fill out the bracket. For the lolz we hand her Wii FIt Trainer, who, by the way, has to be one of the weirdest choices for Smash, but I kinda like that we can have such a random and unassuming character in the game next to Sonic and Mario and all that. My niece accidentally dies multiple times in the first round, allowing my sister to advance. Then she manages to not die horrifically in regular time of the next two matches and gets lucky in sudden death. Twice. So somehow she wins the second tournament despite literally not knowing half the controls.
The third thing is that we went to 7-11. Well, we went to a nearby park, and then to 7-11. The park was like your average local park, with the play structure and the wood chips in the ground and everything, you know the kind. They played freeze tag and made me chase them. I cannot keep up with them. I am not fast. They taunt me and call me childish names (“poopoo face”, dare I say more?). I am tired.
I steal temporarily commandeer one of their scooters. I get about two steps before I realize the scooter’s handle is bent about 45 degrees off centre. The second after I realize that, I crash the scooter, fall on my face, roll a little on my back, hit the concrete with both my hands, and finally come to rest on some uncomfortably dry grass. I am fine, but it probably looked really stupid.
The scooter is the right size for them. I am double their size. You can imagine the size difference. It made for some very funny shadows. I tried to take a picture but the fact that I was trying to take a picture kind of threw off the shadow, which threw off my scooter riding, so all I got is this:
On our way to the 7-11, I got more than a few weird looks from the passerby. I don’t know if it was the fact that I was on a tiny scooter, or that I was wearing a headband, or that I was in a Giants shirt, shorts, and mask in LA, but for some reason I stuck out. At 7-11, my niece and nephew got a bunch of sugary stuff. This, in light of them being constantly on a sugar high, is definitely a great idea. There’s this drink they get that’s really sweet but also really sour and I don’t know exactly how they can stand it.
Despite this I’m the one who gets the weirdest look from the cashier. Poor guy. He did not need his store turned into an impromptu filming location today. I shot a short, short film at 7-11, I’ve shown the raw footage (it’s five seconds, don’t get your hopes up) to a couple of people, they’ve liked it. I intend to go back and edit it using all my Premiere Pro power (unlimited power). I don’t know when I’m going to post it, but it’s going to be its own post because it deserves to have its own post.
At the end of the day my nephews tell me they’ve never seen half of the Pixar films, including classics like WALL-E, Ratatouille and Up. This, despite them having seen the Secret Life of Pets 2. My sister and I resolve to make them watch all the good films they’ve been missing out on.
We start with the Emperor’s New Groove. It’s my second time seeing the film but it’s better than the first. Pacha is the kind of man I’d like to be, start-of-the-film Kuzco is the kind of man I am (plus more than a dash of Kronk). All three technically count as Disney princesses according to my sister, as they can all talk to animals and they all have dresses, or technically skirts or whatever you call it. Yzma is one of Disney’s best and most entertaining villains. The film might have the obligatory “the friends get in an argument and break up only to forgive each other five minutes later” segment that pretty much all animated films have, but in this one it makes a whole lot more sense than in others since Kuzco is a jerk and Pacha is forgiving and that’s the kind of people they are. Despite all this somehow my nephews do not like the film. My niece falls asleep in the middle of it. I suddenly have doubts. Many doubts.
…day 3 survived.
