[Originally written for Mrs Marfia Roza’s AP Lang class. With apologies to Jonathan Swift. Image from https://www.listennotes.com/podcasts/big-brain-show-hunter-mcweeney-V0D5SsvBy7z/]
As a child ages through their teenage years and towards adulthood, there begins to exist an unpleasant friction between the child and their parents. Where before, children held nothing but innocent adoration and obedience for their parents, in teenage years they begin to demand freedoms which, all too often, their parents refuse to oblige them in. The push and pull between parental control and children’s freedoms can cause great pains when the parents’ wish to keep their children protected conflicts with the childrens’ wish to explore their world.
Especially on matters of the future – where a child will study, what a child will study, what a child will do, what a child will pursue in all matters of life – fiery disagreements can arise between the two when each sees a different path forward. It is always a sad day, I believe, when parent and child come to blows over such matters, and all too common a day, I might add. Such arguments can weigh heavily on both parties, thus interfering with their separate functions in all aspects of their life.
Children, I believe, deserve some greater status and clarity in their lives. Parents similarly deserve peace of mind and certainty when it comes to their offspring. It is clear that this dissonance between the wills of the parent and child must not be allowed to continue, and some solution found to the struggles resulting from the childrens’ desire for freedom.
Therefore I propose, very simply, to surgically remove the brains of all children, who of course are the root of these issues, and thus remove this problem from their minds.
I dare declare this proposal one so flawless, one would have to have nothing in their head to think it unwise. How easy will it be for parents to control their children, if their children cannot resist them or argue with them? And how much simpler will life be for the children, when their parents can set the rest of their lives for them with ease? This course of action would result in only happiness and peace for all involved.
The children shall become mere extensions of the parents – empty vessels to be filled – and is that not what all parents and children desire? After all, a child clearly only exists because of their parents, and so they must exist only to serve their parents. The conflict between them in the child’s teenage years exists only because of their misguided belief that they are somehow to be independent and self-sufficient. Through the efficient liberation of their minds which I have proposed, such follies will be corrected.
No longer shall children seek to deceive their parents to taste freedom. No longer shall parents question their children incessantly. No longer shall children stress or worry about what their parents desire of them. No longer shall parents fear for their children. No longer shall children treat their parents with disrespect, ungratefulness, or questioning. No longer shall parents be forced to discipline their children to force them to obey.
A calm and pleasant certainty shall fall over all households in all parts of the nation, for parent and child shall exist in harmony. Parents will be able to dictate all aspects of their child’s life – as they should, for when has a parent never wanted only what is best for their child? – and children will have full confidence in themselves, knowing that their parents support them fully.
This, to be sure, will not change much in some households. Some children already obey their parents in every decree, or are forced to do so, and some parents strive to make it so, but are resisted by their children. I simply propose that the benefits of full child obedience be extended to all, and that all resistance be removed. For all children deserve to experience the wonders of never having to make any choices for themselves, and all parents deserve to command their children absolutely.
Even now, though, some may object to this, calling it a brainless proposition. These mindless people will ask, can parents and children not learn to respect one another? They shall ask, can they not maintain healthy conversation on the freedoms the child is allowed? Can parents and children not find it in themselves to trust one another with empathy and fairness?
Unto these fools I say, find me a family that has such faith in one another. Find a child that has total trust in their parents, and yet enjoys all the freedom they could want. Until such a paradoxical ideal is found, I shall not listen to such pleas. And before it is asked whether or not this method of improving familial relations is effective or not, let me put all those doubts to rest. For I myself have recently undergone the very procedure I have described to you above, and thus become wholly convinced of all its merits.
no brain = no problem