For the next week I would jump every time I heard a siren or saw any article on the news where they caught someone. Sure, I was mad at Bess, but that didn’t mean I wanted them caught or hurt. This fear and the space of a week softened the harsh feelings I had. Maybe Bess and Meg weren’t right, but maybe I could talk them out of it. They were my friends after all. Who better would they change their ways for?
I decided to go over to their place and set things right. They were usually home at this time. I knocked on their door and it immediately opened.
“Hi Thelma.” Meg said.
“Hi. Is Bess home?”
“Yeah. Well, in a minute. They decided to go for a walk.” awkwardness hung between us in the pause. “You can wait inside if you like.”
“Thanks.” I said.
She opened the door wider and stood to the side.
“Is you knee feeling better?”
“Hmm? Oh, yes.” she said.
“What’s wrong?”
“Bess’s motorcycle isn’t where it’s…” Meg stepped out and looked around. “They didn’t. Ugh. Bess!”
I sat down on the couch and watched Meg come in and close the door. She let out a big sigh and turned to me.
“Would you like anything? Bess made oatmeal cookies.”
“Yes, that sounds good.”
Meg grabbed a napkin and served one to me off of the plate on the counter.
“Thank you.” I said.
“No problem. I was just going to work in the garden before you stopped by, so if you don’t mind I’m going to do that.”
“Ofcourse. Go ahead.”
“You can come and sit out there while I work if you want.”
“Alright.”
We went behind the rv and I sat in a lawn chair under a big maple tree. There was a cool breeze that blew cookie crumbs across my lap. I brushed them off and watched Meg work in the garden beds. She weeded around a bed full of somewhat tall, spiky leaved plants with serrated edged leaves, which sat beside some tomatoes and flowers, and such. I didn’t know what they were.
After a few minutes I heard the door of the rv shut.
“That’s probably Bess. I’ll go get them.” Meg said wiping her hands on her jeans.
I listened intently as I heard the door slam this time. I heard some voices and then they grew louder. I heard something about a helmet, or no helmet. The door creaked open again and I saw Bess come around the corner. A cautious smile crossed their face as they opened their arms to me.
“Hey Thel.” They said.
Meg came around the corner and made her way silently to the garden.
“Hi Bess. I came to… I don’t know. Make amends I guess. To be friends again if we can.”
A jewel of a smile burst onto Bess’s face, shining as the sun hit her face.
“Really?”
“Yes, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have gotten so angry.”
“No, no, no. I was in the wrong. You had every right to be angry. I’m the one who’s sorry.”
“Well, apology accepted then.”
“Great! Oh, you have no idea how relived I am.” They said raising their hand to their heart.
I smiled at them, then looked down at the grass.
“Have you… Have you and Meg done anymore…” I let the unspoken question float in the air and slip around Bess’s heart. I felt a growing strange feeling in my own. I now realize looking back that it was not kindness. Bess’s smile faded.
“Oh, no, not since.”
I noticed Meg glance at us as she pulled at some weeds. I made sure my words sounded hesitant, shy.
“Do you, plan to, in the future?”
There was not a trace left of Bes’s smile. They stared at the ground in what I thought was shame, then lifted their head and stared me dead in the eyes.
“Thelma.” My skin crawled at the sound of their tone. “You said you came to make things right. To accept my apology I had assumed.”
“I-”
“Let me finish.” My mouth shut up quicker than any time I can remember. I could see something different in their eyes.
“Bess?” Meg said with a hint of worry in her voice.
Bess held up their hand.
“You don’t accept an apology and then guilt the other person for the wrong that you just forgave them for. I understand if you still have some feelings to work out, and it takes time to build trust again, but I know that tone. I hear the manipulative perfect little church lady who’s gonna set everyone on the right track in there. It’s the same stupid tone I’ve heard so many times and let slide, but I’m tired of it, and I won’t let it go this time.”
I glanced at Meg helplessly hoping she would step in, but she just stood up and watched.
“I didn’t mean-”
“But you did mean it.”
I felt a dulled stab into my consiousness. Something telling me I had really screwed up, but I wasn’t ready to accept it quite yet. Meg walked up behind Bess and gently pressed her hand on Bess’s shoulder. Bess glanced at her and then looked at me again.
“I think you should leave.” Bess said firmly.
I stood up, stunned. I made my way numbly to the car. Those words “You did mean it.” echoing in my head.
Those words repeated in my mind over and over again on the way home. I didn’t do anything wrong I reasoned. Bess did. I didn’t say anything judgy. What did they mean by ‘manipulative church lady’ I had mostly stopped going years ago. I wasn’t like the gossips who would huddle together at the back of the auditorium every service, passing judgment on every church member.
With every rebuttal I presented I felt my mind wriggle, like something just wouldn’t fit. I pulled into my driveway and stared at the garage door, not seeing.
Then it clicked. An ickiness crept through my body. I messed up. I was being unfair to Bess. They were right. You don’t accept an apology and then… I felt disgusted with myself. I shook my head to try to clear the ickiness away, but it didn’t help. Here, it was happening again. My old bad habits cropping up and hurting the ones I love. I felt so bad that it was often Bess who was the target of them. I pulled out my phone and texted Bess.
You were right.
I’m sorry for the way I acted.
I set my phone on my lap and thought. How can I make this right? I don’t want to ever do this again. The last time something like this happened was when Bess came out to me.
It was a sunny day and I had just dropped Beth off at school. I had asked Bess out for lunch at the park. They came with a plate of jam filled cookies, and a jug of lemonade.
“Do you want one?”
“Thank you.” I said as I took the cookie they offered me.
I took a bite and noticed that they had an oddly somber expression.
“Is there something wrong?” I asked.
“I need to tell you something. I’ve haven’t told you yet because I didn’t know how’d you react.”
“What?” I said setting the cookie on my napkin.
“I guess I’ll just say it. I’m a lesbian.”
“What?” I must have looked completely confused, crumbs on my face.
“Gay.”
“Oh.” I said. Not sure how to react.
I looked around. There weren’t any people expect for a dog walker a ways off.
I took the sandwich I had made for them out of my bag and gave it to them.
“This is yours.”
I reached into my purse and pulled out one of the tracts I always carried around. I laid it next to their sandwich and stood up.
“I hope you find God.” I said in what I thought was a kind way at the time.
I now know that this crushed Bess. We didn’t talk to each other after that. 7 months later Tom died. I had no one to turn to, and after a few weeks of grief, I realized how stupid I had been. How much it didn’t matter. I called them and after a lot of work we mended our friendship, though I could feel Bess be a little more cautious around me after that. Later they told me they were non-binary, and I could feel their relief when I only reacted with,
“Okay. Great.” (I wasn’t really sure how to react appropriately) and the occasional questions to understand it better.
I needed to do something to make this right.
I didn’t get a reply until the next afternoon.
I sighed with relief when I heard the notification, and my heart dropped at the sight of the message.
This cant be fixed with a sorry
I quickly replied.
Okay.
I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you.
I sat with my phone in hand and thought. I know what I have to do. I have to give it all up. I have to do this for Bess.
I’ll even steal.
